Broken

This is a new feeling, though I have felt it before. It was a different time, a different place and with different people. The feeling is a little hard to describe so I will try to put it into a story that is about my life.

My family is not traditional. the last three generations of women have had their children outside of marriage and/or they divorced the father of their children. Do to this trend my family is made up of many other families, with families of their own. Most of my closest relatives are not related by blood.

Growing up I never felt that my family was different from any other. It never bothered me that I didn’t have a father, or that I lived with my grandparents (one of which was not my blood relative). It never seemed strange that my two favorite cousins weren’t “technically” related to me. Too put it in perspective out of nine cousins only one is related to me by blood and he was born when I was 11.

None of this felt odd, none of it mattered. I love them and they loved me. At least that is what I thought.

I never believed that blood was thicker than water or that because someone is your “family” you must always forgive and forget. I have seen too many people come and go. I’ve seen too many relationships shrivel and fade away.

I thought that my family knew something that other more traditional families didn’t. How to love unconditionally regardless of where someone came from. I was wrong.

At 25 years old I have felt the sting of my familial relationships shrivel and fade away. I’ve given my heart, shared my feelings with these people and watched them stare back in anger. Now I know what my “family” is really about. It is every man, woman, and child for themselves, for their own happiness regardless of the consequences.

Finally I have felt this sting, this indescribable pain from the last human being I ever though could make me feel this way. The feeling I am trying to describe is the feeling of being a stranger to the one person who knows you the best. The feeling of being a stranger to your own mother.

And so now I feel broken. For once in my entire life I do not know where to go from here.

If your interested in being a Lost Girl or Lost Boy (or any other oxygen breathing organism) then come back tomorrow because I bet it’s a lot more fun being lost together. To make it easy just press the “Follow” button on the upper right hand side of this page and get email updates every time I post.

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